Jesus Was a Faggot?

Of course Jesus was a fucking faggot. He had long hair, didn’t he? Preached a bunch of crazy, left-wing bullshit? Ran with a ton of dudes?

From what we’ve gathered from informants and other reliable sources, we can ascertain that Jesus made it into his early thirties without ever having a female in his bed (seriously, they will not dispute you on this, people have tried). He had an orgy of male followers--washing his feet and shit--who were willing to do nutty-ass things, like cut peoples’ ears off for him. He also had some other fag following him around in the desert and shit, trying to get him to do all this gay stuff. Then just a whole shit-ton of this blah blah blah, paradise bullshit. Like, a fucking lot. Oh, and miracles! For real, he brought a guy back from the dead. I mean, seriously, what did you guys think, that he’s just some normal, straight dude?

You guys have gotten so built up on the mythology of the whole thing that you never have stopped to consider the rampant turd-burglary that was clearly going on during the genesis of your religion.

But that’s not all you’ve failed to pay attention to. Let’s just start with the basic “judge not, lest ye be judged” principle. I mean, all kinds of people love passing judgment against others. We all do it. And we like it when we’re doing it. I know I’m not big on Thomas Kinkade aficionados. I have a hard time respecting them. But it’s hardest to see this sort of judgment when it comes from some pompous, self-promoting Christian prick. At least if you don’t advertise your overriding sense of beliefs, it’s harder for others to tell when you fuck up on one of them. I mean, I can go buy a copy of your rulebook. They have it in hotels and shit for free. It’s everywhere. It says that you’re not supposed to judge me. It says don’t do it. FOUL! Whatever, getting off-topic...

Yes, Jesus was a flaming queen. A boundless sodomite, even. Sorry. It’s one of many things your Sunday school teacher may have failed to mention. I’m certainly not suggesting that he got some sort of sick pleasure from being hung up on a cross by a bunch of sweaty soldiers in togas. But I’m not saying that he didn’t, either. Yeah, sorry. It was just on my mind and I thought that I would bring it up.